Yes, this statement actually came out of my mouth. To my husband’s credit, he just laughed and said it would make a great blog title. So there you go.
I used that as my title because I have been engaging in a lot of negative self-talk over the last couple of days, even more than usual. I know it must be bad when I start complaining about how fat my feet are. That’s a new one, even for me.
I’m not sure why my negative self-talk has been so bad lately. Honestly, my eating has been decent and my workouts have been tough. I rested on Monday and last night, I wasn’t able to work out due to a migraine. Maybe the lack of exercise has gotten to me. And of course, my migraine continued today plus an ear infection.
Last night, however, my eating was not up to par. I hesitated about sharing this because I didn’t want my membership revoked in the healthy living blogs club. Last night, I had my first binge in a while. I have always struggled with this issue. Sometimes it’s a struggle just to stop eating when I’m full.
Last night, I was starving and upset. I didn’t eat much during the day due to my migraine. I was upset at my husband for really no reason at all. I was just being grumpy and taking it out on him. I started out by eating potato chips. I told myself they were just a snack until I could get a real dinner. But one serving of chips turned into five. Then I turned to the Gingerbread Spice cookies I made the other day. I ate about six cookies. There was only one left. Thank goodness I gave away four of the cookies to a coworker yesterday. In addition to that, I had a piece of pound cake. So much for everything in moderation and cutting back on sugar, huh?
All of this eating did not improve my mood. All it did was make me sick. There are a lot of reasons why I was upset yesterday. Maybe it was the migraine (because I am seriously sick of them) or maybe it was irritating patients at work. Or maybe it was an imaginary thing my husband did. I’m still not sure why I was mad at him. I think he forgives me though.
His forgiveness, I’m not worried about. He loves me, so he will. I’m more worried about forgiving myself for the binge. I’m glad that my husband hid the scale in the attic. Yes, in the attic. It’s the one place he knows I will never go. If he hadn’t hid the scale, I probably would have jumped on it first thing this morning. But I am imagining the scale jumping ten pounds because of last night. It must also be my imagination that my stomach has grown to twice its size. Surely it’s my imagination.
Anyway . . . forgiveness. Why is it so easy to forgive others, but harder to forgive ourselves? Maybe it’s because I’m so much harder on myself than I am on other people. I expect myself to be perfect, never screw up, never fail. How realistic is that? With thoughts like that, it’s not surprising that I do things like binge. I’m just looking to make myself feel better because I don’t live up to my own expectations. I also sabotage myself. I sabotage my health, my weight loss, and my sanity even.
I know this is a pretty random post. I’m sorry about that. There is a point hidden away somewhere. I am kind of glad that I shared this as opposed to keeping it secret and pretending that I’m perfect. I’ve already shown that this kind of thinking doesn’t get me anywhere. My point is that I need to figure out the cause of my emotional eating. Until I do, I can’t expect to like myself, much less lose any weight. Maybe one of my goals for 2011 should be to discover a healthy relationship with food. I don’t think I have ever had one. I wouldn’t even know what one looks like.
I really appreciate you guys hanging in with me for this post. I hope it doesn’t come across as whiny. Have any of you struggled with bingeing or developing a healthy relationship with food?