“Even my feet are fat!”

Yes, this statement actually came out of my mouth. To my husband’s credit, he just laughed and said it would make a great blog title. So there you go.

I used that as my title because I have been engaging in a lot of negative self-talk over the last couple of days, even more than usual. I know it must be bad when I start complaining about how fat my feet are. That’s a new one, even for me.

I’m not sure why my negative self-talk has been so bad lately. Honestly, my eating has been decent and my workouts have been tough. I rested on Monday and last night, I wasn’t able to work out due to a migraine. Maybe the lack of exercise has gotten to me. And of course, my migraine continued today plus an ear infection.

Last night, however, my eating was not up to par. I hesitated about sharing this because I didn’t want my membership revoked in the healthy living blogs club. 🙂 Last night, I had my first binge in a while. I have always struggled with this issue. Sometimes it’s a struggle just to stop eating when I’m full.

Last night, I was starving and upset. I didn’t eat much during the day due to my migraine. I was upset at my husband for really no reason at all. I was just being grumpy and taking it out on him. I started out by eating potato chips. I told myself they were just a snack until I could get a real dinner. But one serving of chips turned into five. Then I turned to the Gingerbread Spice cookies I made the other day. I ate about six cookies. There was only one left. Thank goodness I gave away four of the cookies to a coworker yesterday. In addition to that, I had a piece of pound cake. So much for everything in moderation and cutting back on sugar, huh?

All of this eating did not improve my mood. All it did was make me sick. There are a lot of reasons why I was upset yesterday. Maybe it was the migraine (because I am seriously sick of them) or maybe it was irritating patients at work. Or maybe it was an imaginary thing my husband did. I’m still not sure why I was mad at him. I think he forgives me though.

His forgiveness, I’m not worried about. He loves me, so he will. I’m more worried about forgiving myself for the binge. I’m glad that my husband hid the scale in the attic. Yes, in the attic. It’s the one place he knows I will never go. If he hadn’t hid the scale, I probably would have jumped on it first thing this morning. But I am imagining the scale jumping ten pounds because of last night. It must also be my imagination that my stomach has grown to twice its size. Surely it’s my imagination.

Anyway . . . forgiveness. Why is it so easy to forgive others, but harder to forgive ourselves? Maybe it’s because I’m so much harder on myself than I am on other people. I expect myself to be perfect, never screw up, never fail. How realistic is that? With thoughts like that, it’s not surprising that I do things like binge. I’m just looking to make myself feel better because I don’t live up to my own expectations. I also sabotage myself. I sabotage my health, my weight loss, and my sanity even.

I know this is a pretty random post. I’m sorry about that. There is a point hidden away somewhere. I am kind of glad that I shared this as opposed to keeping it secret and pretending that I’m perfect. I’ve already shown that this kind of thinking doesn’t get me anywhere. My point is that I need to figure out the cause of my emotional eating. Until I do, I can’t expect to like myself, much less lose any weight. Maybe one of my goals for 2011 should be to discover a healthy relationship with food. I don’t think I have ever had one. I wouldn’t even know what one looks like.

I really appreciate you guys hanging in with me for this post. I hope it doesn’t come across as whiny. Have any of you struggled with bingeing or developing a healthy relationship with food?


14 responses to ““Even my feet are fat!”

  1. I struggle with what I like to think of as impulse eating. I see a commecial for something, or I see someone eating something on a tv show and I want to have it right then and there. I won’t get the craving out of my head until I get it.

    I recently started exploring those food feelings a bit more in a (written) journal. It’s helped. Tonight I wanted to go get something to eat instead of cooking, but I stopped and thought about it. What did I really want? Did I really want to have to leave the house? In the end I talked myself out of it and made my own dinner, so it was a personal victory for me!

    I don’t think your post was random at all, it’s good to explore and express those types of feelings. Increasing your self awareness will help…at least that is what has helped me a bit! Don’t be hard on yourself, we all have ups and downs, one day isn’t going to derail everything. 🙂

    • Heather, thanks for the advice. I’m sure that if I stopped more and asked the questions that you do, I would probably binge less. But I will start asking those questions and that journal idea isn’t a bad one. 🙂

  2. I think all of us have binge eating issues but few are as candid about the experience or as in touch with our feelings as you. Your blog always brings a smile to my face and reminds me that beating myself up for not going to the fitness club or taking my 4 mile walk occasionally isn’t the worst thing ever. We need to show ourselves compassion and praise the things we do right. Like my favorite bumper sticker reads: wag more – bark less. Words to live by.

  3. I’m struggling as we speak about balancing what I eat. I binge eat. A lot. Recently, in light of the New Year, I’ve decided to take back my life and start working out and challenging myself while eating smaller portions. Weight watchers has really helped me. Don’t worry, I’m struggling right there with you!

  4. I have struggled with negative self talk. My husband – when I ask him what to do about this crappy talking – he tells me to just STOP. It usually works. I realize I am being silly and talking negatively will never help. I have also learned to not bake sweets anymore. If I don’t…I will never eat it!

  5. Keep your head up. You can’t be perfect all the time and if you deprive yourself entirely you will surely get frustrated and possibly give up. When I do this, I accept that I binged, and know that tomorrow is a new day. I remember how bad it made me feel and each time it makes it easier and easier to stop myself when I start to go down that path. You are lucky to have your husband as support. Remind yourself of all of the positive things in your life and your ultimate goal of living a long, healthy lifestyle! Sending my positive vibes your way! Look forward not behind you! 🙂

  6. You are taking a step in the right direction just by putting your feelings out here and not hiding them. Binge eating is something I struggle with too, and it was NEVER something I talked about (and still don’t, really). When I started reading about it here in blogland, I finally realized that I wasn’t the only person struggling with this. I hope things start to get better for you, and just know that you have so much support out here in this little world of blogs!

  7. Awww… I’m sorry to hear about your rough night. I have rough nights like that, too. I guess we have to start thinking that when we have these slip ups, we can’t let it get us down. Just know it’s something you don’t do all the time, so one night isn’t going to break you 🙂

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  9. Sorry you had a rough time. And please continue to share if it helps you!

    A couple of years ago I abused food frequently. I taught night classes in addition to my day job and was always exhausted and stressed out. I started to use food to “deal” with everything that was going on. I often ate very little during the day and then overate big time at night. I felt horrible. And I can very much relate to having a hard time with forgiving yourself. I made some big changes in my life and learned to look at each meal as a fresh start. That helped a lot with the guilt, but it’s really always a work in progress…

    • Andrea, thanks so much for the comments. It helps to know that people are going through the same thing. I have always struggled with this issue, but it just goes to show you there is no “cure” for this. It is a take it one day a time kind of thing. Always a work in progress, like you said. 🙂

  10. I think it’s so good that you “talked” this out…oftentimes that is the best thing to do I think!

    I definitely used to struggle with binging when I was stressed. Actually just last night at dinner I was telling my husband that it has been a long time since I have done that. I honestly can’t pinpoint exactly what made me come out of the habit, but I think it was a combination of consistently not beating myself up. When I would have an episode, I would just force myself to do something kind for myself and then I would move on and not let myself dwell on it. Think about it this way: when we binge we’re hurting ourselves mentally and physically. So, why would we turn around and do something to hurt ourselves even more? Instead, we should do something really kind for ourselves to counteract it.
    Also, I started coming up with other ways to relieve my stress. One thing I noticed was that many times I would be stressed and also really exhausted. I didn’t feel like I had time to lay down and rest/take a nap, so I would do the next best thing – eat. Once I realized this I began to chose laying down over eating. Even if it meant not getting something done, I decided it was better for me mentally and better for my health to just rest.

    Anyway, just a couple of thoughts. I know that you can come out of this habit…it may just take time. And remember, you’re not alone:)

    • Candice, thanks so much for the advice. I really appreciate it. You have a good time about the fact that beating myself up over a binge is just as harmful as the binge itself. Next time, I will remember that and try to be kind to myself. I will also try to notice why I’m eating and do that instead. I’m like you: sometimes I feel the urge to eat even more when I’m exhausted. 🙂

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